Vow Renewal: Reflection

Let me take a minute to introduce myself. I am Te’Aire Griffin and today I am recommitting myself to the man of my past, present, and future. This was no regular day for me. This was the day that I would make one of the biggest decisions that would forever alter the course of my life.

This was my day, my marriage to the greatest man that ever walked the Earth, the one who holds the world in the palm of his hands. The one that spoke life to a dark world and commanded light, the one that called me out of darkness into his marvelous light, the one who covered me in his blood and washed all my sins away, the one who cleaned me up, the one who gave up his only son for me so that I may have eternal life...you get the picture... But as I reflect on my life up unto this point…. I was living in a world of sin and yet in my mess, he still desired me. He continued to call me by name and tug at my spirit to come back to him but I was too busy doing me. I was living with another man, cheating on my heavenly groomsmen with a man who would never carry the capacity to love me the way God loved me. Nor could he love me the way I needed and longed to be loved.

I moved from Charleston to Chicago on a whim to be with him. It was cool at first but then I found myself crying every night because I was being left home alone, I found myself further and further away from God. Not looking to God for anything because living in my flesh felt better than being alone. The fact was I was never alone but yet so lonely because the whole time, despite my mess, God was still standing by me.

I knew if I came to God, I had to come correct and I was not ready to truly repent and turn away from the things I enjoyed. I was miserable but Mr.Wrong felt oh so right but only when he was touching me. It was not love but it felt like love as he made love to me. But when it was over he tore me down verbally, and criticized me when I would not do what he wanted me to do.

I began to settle and I told God that this is what I deserved, there is nothing else out here; THERE ARE NO MORE GOOD MEN. I deserved this because I felt like no man ever truly wanted me. I did not know what a TRUE MAN’S DESIRE FOR ME REALLY FELT LIKE OR WHAT IT LOOKED LIKE. I thought if I let this go, I would be alone forever because every man that came into my life in any role, left. I have been in and out of RELATONS and nothing seemed to work out for me. Failed relationship after failed relationship and attracting the very things that were buried DEEP on the inside of me. This was another heart wrenching situation that landed me back on my face, before God. I finally was tired. I was tired of being hurt and not protecting my heart. So I gave my heart to God and I told him to keep it until it was fully restored and I wanted him to give it to the man he trusted could handle it and would not break it again.

Little did I know, he was giving it to himself to protect and keep covered because I still was not ready and I was very careless with it. So God kept my heart because that was the only thing I gave to him. (You know how we grant God access to certain parts of us because there is still that thought in the back of mind that God just might not come through, so you have plan B. Don’t look at me like I am crazy.) As for my body, I claimed that to still be mine. I met a guy when I came back home from my Chicago rendezvous and I gave him everything but my heart. Even when I wanted to, God had it locked away, maximum security. Up to this point, my understanding had been failing me so why was I not trusting in God. Why was I leaning on my own understanding. Why did I feel like I could trust myself? And Yet, I knew for sure this time was IT. However, this time was no different from all the rest. I was a full time man lover and a part time God lover, I reverted but not all the way. I was playing hard to get with God. I claimed to love God but I only obeyed him, when it was convenient to my flesh, which was rare. Therefore, I found myself in a new situationship, as to my surprise, did not last either. But when I moved back home, I knew God had begun to change my appetite. What I use to enjoy, I no longer took pleasure in. This is when the tug of war between my spirit and my flesh began.

At this point, I could hear God clearer than ever before. Laying in the bed with him one night, God poured a dose of reality on me. He began to tell me I deserved more than I was putting myself through, I was worth more than just giving my body to a man and expecting the commitment afterwards. Inwardly I began to pray that God will provide me a way to escape from temptation. Not even 5 minutes later…..