God help me! I cry every night! God where are you? Why does this hurt so bad? Why do I have to go through this? Nobody knows what I am going through because I try to keep a good face, taking pictures, beautiful on the outside but I am completely broken. Shattered on the inside, bleeding internally and everything I am doing, isn't stopping the bleeding, although I am trying everything in MY power. I think the inside of me is being cut up by the broken pieces of my heart that shattered when the guy I thought I would spend the rest of my life with, my first true love, my first real boyfriend, told me he loved me but he couldn't love me right now. He told me I loved to hard and he would rather leave me and hurt me than cheat on me. He then told me he would be back and I believed him; I waited for 2 years for his return and he never came back permanently, although one time I thought it was it, but I still wasn't good enough.
I was always small but this was the littlest I had ever been. Friends asking me if I was okay and I would say yes and they would acknowledge that I had lost weight. There is nothing like heartbreak and there is nothing worse than being heartbroken after you gave everything and are left with nothing. There is nothing worse that being heartbroken and not knowing who you are and when he left, he took my false identity with him; everything I was, was found in him, he was my identity, he was what I structured my world after. When we went our separate ways, the structure I built around him as my foundation collapsed and what was left was all the pieces of me.
Key: Only God should be your foundation, every other thing is sinking sand and when the storms come, what you built will crash because the foundation wasn't secure.
It wasn't just the lost of a relationship but he stripped me down to nothing. I remember messaging him all day long, I just wanted him to talk to me. I needed him to explain why this was happening. Begging him for an answer that he could not provide. He called me crazy but I wasn't crazy, I was full of soul ties. I wasn't crazy, I was empty and we determined to fill my life with someone who didn't have the capacity to fill it. It was more than a natural split, this was something spiritual. First spiritual, soul ties. I couldn't go anywhere without crying. I continuously fed those soul ties by staying connected with his family, trying to maintain my communication with him, feeding my false hope that it wasn't over. Secondly, today I realized that it was a God thing. God had separated us, he was breaking up the relationship. He knew I had outgrown the relationship, better yet, he knew the relationship was something he never had for me but I was determined to stay in it.
Key: Although, we make bad choices, God will still use everything that was meant for our bad and turn around and use it for our good. He is using all of your mistakes. He used all my mistakes and flaws to form me into the woman I am today.
Because of my determination and stress to be with this man, I lost crazy weight, I manipulated many situations. I was determined not to move on, although this situation was too small for me, I tried to stuff and keep myself in it and that made it even more painful. Not only was I hurting because of the loss of my relationship but staying around the environment hurt me more; trying to stuff yourself in a space you no longer fit but couldn't understand. Any time something is uncomfortable, that's indication that growth had taken place. I already said I didn't know who I was so I tried to fit what I was used too, I started smoking weed and drinking to numb the pain to stay in that place, maybe the substances would ease the pain and although it did those moments I was outside of myself, when I came too, the pain did too. This was the lowest time of my life and although I outgrown that season with that young man, I stayed in those tight shoes to prove I could still fit them rather than taking them off to find relief, I rather bear in the pain because I had those shoes or this situation for so long.
If you ready to chuck those old tight shoes and move onto the ones that fit, join me at Walk In My Shoes, March 24th. Get your tickets here bit.ly/strut2018
Love Yourself <3
Te’Aire Griffin, Founder/Visionary Restore Mon Amour
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