Here’s where we left off…
Inwardly I began to pray that God would provide me a way to escape from temptation. Not even 5 minutes later…an escape door was present before me. As I looked at him and then back at the plan to escape, I thought I was strong enough to lay with him and not have sex. My body was saying yes but my mind was saying no. I had a guy that was into me, a man lying next to me…who would want to give that up? I prayed God please just fix it, restore this to be pleasing before you. Then I heard in my heart, “GET OUT”. I laid there for another second thinking how can I get up without making him mad. Then I thought, I had been here before and it was insanity to think this time would be different when I put the same ingredients in.
I ran for the door. I felt strongholds loosening and chains breaking from my mind and body. I made the decision to not only give my heart to God but to give all of me; body, mind, and soul. As the door shut behind me it symbolized that door shutting in my life. At that moment I witnessed what it meant to totally surrender when I had the choice to stay stuck.
A few weeks later I found out about the Girlz Talk: Give Myself Away 2016 conference and I immediately thought on the other things I had to do. I thought Lord I surrendered so I don’t have to go, right? I had to do “this and that”. But I heard him say "No ma'am you HAVE to be there". God was about to blow my mind. He was taking me from a place of comfortability. Where he wanted to take me required more.
I had no idea I was going to be in a church ready to walk down the aisle in a white wedding dress, ready to marry my first true love. God was about to become mine all over again. I was already his and that had never changed. This wedding to God was for me to prove, me to myself. For God already knew what I was going to do but I was a having a moment like Abraham, when God told him, for now I know that you love me; I had to give God a yes.
What blew my mind was no matter what I had done, he knew all about it and yet he did not call it off, the wedding was still taking place; he still wanted me and my YES.
And yet in my sin he was still preparing for our reunion.
As I slipped into my wedding dress, I pondered on how there was nothing I could have done to earn any of this. I was ready to commit myself to God, no longer did I want to go backwards in my life. I knew my life meant so much more.
I put on my veil and got in line to march in. I was so nervous. But his sweet presence was there.
Then the minister began speaking about how we have to match our heavenly groomsmen. How when he looks at the Earth, he should find things that look like him. She expounded on how we should match him in prayer, worship, faithfulness and commitment. This message was right on time as I sat in my seat, she began to confirm everything God had been telling me. As I listened to her, more and more tears ran down my face. Then she had the brilliant idea to cover someone up with a white sheet to stand in the place of God. Then she gathered us, one by one to come up and to give God our own personal vows.
It was my turn…God, I vow to……….give myself to you completely. I will submit unto you wholly God and I give my body and temple completely over to you. I promise to never turn my back on you. I promise to trust you, to remain faithful and to always match you. I answer the call and I will do what you tell me to do and I will keep a ready yes on my tongue. God I am all in. I vow even when I don’t understand, I will trust you and say yes, even when I don’t see it, I vow to lean on you, even when it’s hard and it hurts, I vow to never lose faith and say yes. Lord even if I can’t find you, I will never stop searching. I relinquish all control and I will love you forever.
As I committed myself back to God, it felt as if I was the only one in the room. No more words were forming from my lips so I began to dance before him as Press in His Presence played. This was our first dance. I mediated on how he calls me his own, so YES Lord I give you me; you own the world but yet you still want me. And he said, “YES I STILL WANT YOU” and all I could do was fall to my knees. It was an overwhelming experience as gratitude poured from my heart.
My vows was my cry of a yes, a yes to his will, yes to his way, yes to his purpose and yes to his plan. But this yes was different because this yes did not only come from my lips but it came from my heart. It was a desperate YES. I meant this yes; this yes wasn’t from my emotions. This yes came from a place of falling on my face so many times.
This yes came from a place of longing for more of God. This yes came from a place of emptiness when I felt there was nothing else to give to God but my yes because I was so
broken. So I lifted all I had unto him. This yes, gave God permission to do what he needed to do in me, to continue the work he began.